Contradictions

Psalm 34:18 (NIV)  “The lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

I feel that the Lord has been close to me throughout this journey.  I feel him pulling for me not just to survive, but to thrive. I know that he sees how broken I have become because of my family of origin.  I know he sees how it breaks my heart that I want to love and be loved by them in a  manner that isn’t possible.  He calls to me and draws me near.  I feel his presence as I pray and meditate on his word.  He is saving my crushed spirit and body one day at a time.  I am beginning to feel something in my soul shift. I have this vivid vision of him taking all my crushed spirit and broken pieces of my soul into his hands.  He rearranges them one piece at a time.  He places them back together carefully.  Stopping every so often to survey his handiwork and gazes upon his masterpiece.  He somehow uses the bits and pieces, the shards of my soul, to form a beautiful mosaic.  One that is brilliant in color and design.  One that captures light, and gives off light. I am His masterpiece! He is recreating me one day at a time.

I hold onto this vision, because the work before me is hard.  I remember a quote form the The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson “Praying hard is two dimensional:  Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you”  I know that I know God  can and will walk me out of this pit, but I also know I have to do some hard work.  I have hard relational work before me, and eating and taking care of my body is at times quite painful.  There is emotional  well as physical discomfort to work through day after day.

Today is one of those days that is full of contradictions and distortions.  I am sure that I can feel the weight creeping onto my body like an army of ants.  I feel thick and heavy.  I am terrified to step on the scale.  I cringe at the thought of the number rising. Yet, I am also afraid to see them go down.  I have given myself two choice “Dead or Deal”.  I must work hard to eat, to tolerate the weight, or I now realize to not do this is essentially choosing death.

I step cautiously on the scale I am still up 4 lbs, but am surprised it isn’t higher because I ate so well the past few days.  My body feels so much heavier today.  How can the same weight that felt tolerable yesterday feel like a lead jacket today.  I am on some level relieved that it isn’t higher even though I know I have many more pounds to go.  It is hard to get well, and so appealing to stay sick. It is scary that after months of losing and hovering dangerously low, my body is now responding and gaining about 1 pound a week.  I am scared that it won’t stop.  I fear that it has forgotten the set point it had thrived at for 20 years.

Last week I was disturbed by how thin I felt and looked.  This week I am disgusted by how fat I feel, and that after months of not purging, I purge.  Notice I don’t say how fat I look.  This is partly because I just avoid mirrors.  Today, even with the extra weight, I see the veins exposed on my torso, legs, and arms.  How can my body appear so different than it feels?  Then upon a second glance I see the fat beginning to take over my once thin frame.  Which reflection is real?  Which is the illusion?

Despite the great discomfort of putting food into my body, I am feeling better.  This means that I have to admit to feeling pretty crappy at times.  It means that I must admit that I am not taking in enough to fuel my body, and that even though I eat I am starving MY body.  I guess that means I have earned the title of Anorexic!  Way to go!!

Today I have to really focus on just taking in the food.  I am feeling physically stronger, but today mentally weaker.  The physical discomfort becomes more than I can bare.   The fear of gaining too much weight overwhelms me.  I purge not all I have taken in, but enough to ease the pressure building in my body and my soul.

And I trust that God will take this new shard of me and replace it in the perfect spot to add to his masterpiece.  I pray that he will take the broken pieces of me that continue to fall (shame, guilt, self-loathing,and pain) and make them brilliant additions to his creation.